something’s quite not right
again sleep escapes me, far away
you’re the whisper in the back of my head
teething, serrated and smiling
knee-deep in this hopeless wreckage
to tear me apart
swallowed by the vast, all-consuming
demanding you here
this uncontrollable hell
a lightless abode
a sleepless complete black
where ghosts come to me
through every hole
in each and every wall
wish i could just sleep
wish i could explain
wish i could change the way of things
wish i would fall away
I have a very bad feeling inside. This “something” that lingers in the air and is felt in the guts. A premonition from random pieces.
I sense that on a personal level, some intolerably bad news are coming. Something that will crush me again. Or rather, kick the shards further apart.
All kinds of relationships between people may be the greatest sources of pain. It’s like re-losing a person. Something not working out. Especially when the shields are down and the other one knows.
I know I have no right to say anything about this. It’s history and it should not have any effect. The two months fairy-tale ended before this year started. She has moved on since then, while I got stuck once again. Spelling it out only a few weeks ago what I truly felt about this. That I really didn’t want it to end cause it seemed to be working out. I only wanted certainty, that she also wants to stay and let this all grow.
I can’t help but to know now, that when the inevitable comes, it will rip me like a chainsaw. The hit will be as gentle as a sledgehammer.That’s my nature, not to think with my head. All I feel gets amplified because of this.
A darkness is not coming, it’s already here. As long as I can remember myself, those are the darkest times of my life. This is the deepest hole, but the falling hasn’t even stopped. It’s just that the little things have been adding up for years. It has become a pattern.
I keep on losing everyone I get affected, attracted and attached to. Every single one. When I know that I’d like to take the risk of being with a person. They will leave.
It can’t take long now anymore before it falls.